I'm sitting here listening to boysnightout - almost half a disc of music whose lyrics are dedicated to the story of a man who has nightmares every night that he doesn't let out, and in the middle of the night strangles his wife to death on a telephone cord, thinking she's part of the nightmares...

It's about hidden torments that destroy the people you love.

It's about the last look into fading eyes, and realizing that they're never waking up.

It's about snapping and going on homicidal sprees because you can't bring your beloved back - so no one else deserves to live either, right?



I'm sitting here thinking about the last conversation I had with Casey.

I'm thinking about hidden torments that destory the people I love.

I'm thinking about faces that fade in and out of view, and realizing that I can't control the nightmares.

I'm thinking about how I feel the need to strike out and unleash my maliciousness on other people - especially the people who annoy me - because why do they deserve to be happy, when I'm so miserable?



I'm thinking about how a spiral is just a mathematical system of drawing a line between halves.


And how it seems that no matter how many times I try to cut my troubles and pains back, I can do no more than halve it, and knowing this, and knowing that I can therefore never be rid of it, makes me wonder why I even bother. A small half might as well be the same as a big half if they're on the same spiral.


I'm probably starting to come off as crazy and perhaps a little logically illogical by now, but I'm having trouble thinking straight and I'm wondering sometimes if even I can tell which words are lies.

I'm not as bad as I used to be, but there's still so much buried, and now it's biting to the bone.


I can't stop shaking.

I don't know how to escape anymore.